where to/should I/start?

[DavidPaul]

Greetings everyone. I apologize if this belongs elsewhere or if my questions are already answered and I'm just not looking right.

January 7 last year, I had a mystical experience which proved to me that there is more to this reality than what I had assumed (I was an agnostic, an atheist, who held science, logic and reason to be of paramount importance and all religion or religious traditions as silly superstition). I'll describe in short this experience although the impact and meaning of which can't adequately be summed in words. You could skip it if you want so I'll put it in spoilers, but it does provide a lot of background as to my experience, my worldviews, my situation and belief-evolution:

Spoiler: show

I was 30 years old, living at home, lonely and depressed, and I called this guy who I had recently reconnected with who had been a quasi-friend I had gone to school with in the 1st grade. I wanted to get some drugs from him and it was shortly after 1 in the morning. I say quasi-friend because he'd always been someone who I could never be sure was a friend or a bully, never enough of either quality to tell for certain. And because I had not hung out with him since childhood. Anyway, as I stood outside my house waiting, I got the sudden impression that he would say to me while driving that he was going to end my life that night and drive us both off the road. I'm a fairly neurotic and 'creative' type person and I was in stress so I tried to dismiss this as imagination gone wild. But I got into the car and he drove us up a windy mountain road, chit chatting awkwardly. Then suddenly he did turn to me, grin, and tell me that he was glad I got in the car, because he was going to drive us off the cliff and end my life tonight, that it was my last night alive. I was stunned and didn't move or say anything, though I thought about what to do (jump out? scream?). I had no reason to believe he wouldn't - I knew he had been addicted to heroin, and I didn't know him well enough to rule out the possibility that he would do that very thing. He was just kidding, but the fact that he had said that very thing shook me on every level. And we parked and smoked some pot and he played around like that a bit more, as we sat at the edge of a precipice, but I still didn't freak out - partly because I thought he was still kidding (at the same time, it still felt like a kind of "joke" that isn't an actual joke) but also because I had this strange sense that I'd be just fine. After a while he dropped me back off at my home where I'd been trapped in a cycle of depression for most of my adult life. And as I thought about the events of that evening and had nothing to grasp on to, no way to "make sense" of it I started plotting my suicide. I looked about for the means and closed my door and cried because I didn't really want to, but I couldn't help myself. It was the only time I'd ever seriously planned to die, and the realization only frightened me even more for I felt like I was utterly powerless. But just before I could start popping pills, my cat (who was fairly young, and not a fan of being in anyone's lap at that time) pushed open the door (I thought I had closed it shut - but maybe I left it open a crack?) and chose that very moment to jump right onto my lap and start purring happily. And suddenly it all made sense, by not making sense, and suddenly I remembered that feeling that everything would be alright that I couldn't explain before. That feeling being faith. Something, somewhere, someone - had done all of this, and I felt this indescribable feeling of pure joy and peace. My tears turned from despair to laughter.

The next day Gabrielle Giffords and 18 other people were shot in Tuscon. The kind of infuriating, senseless political event that before would have driven me to drink and waste my time hating other people and ranting at the world; the kind of thing that would have driven me crazy. But I had found, or been found by, God, and so I survived this too, and there was some strange signs or coincidences in this too. See, on 9/11 in 2001, that was the first time I took a drink because I needed to (as opposed to wanting to have fun) and the start of my years of alcoholism and drug addiction. And a girl who was killed in Tuscon (Christina Taylor) was born on that day too. I'm not nearly self-centered enough to think any of those events happened because of me, or for me - but I can't deny that there was some significance there that I can't even begin to explain.

Anyway, so I'm clean and sober nowadays, and I do believe in what I call God. And I read scriptures of Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism and Islam. But my life of ritual is haphazard and confused at best. I confuse myself as to what is God, and what isn't; what is divinely inspired or True, and what isn't; what the Name of God is or if it matters; the right way to pray, the right way to live, what is or isn't possible. I do believe in evil entities which I call demons; I believe that my cycle of addiction, depression and helplessness is tantamount to possession or influence or perhaps just a metaphorical demon or evil spirit. And I don't want to succumb to that sort of thing again. Which is why I'm confused and just exploring all possible paths and all possible Truths. I'm doubting myself for posting all this here or looking into this field, since the use of spells or summoning or prophecying is either condemned as itself being evil and to be avoided (the Old and New testaments in particular), or hinted at being possible and the result of a Godly type of lifestyle (Hinduism and yoga) or being the exclusive domain of God and those who (correctly) serve God (again the Bible). And I have no idea what is or isn't *really* possible, and what if anything I should even be trying, and how to go about it.

Basically, I need guidance as to the questions posed in the title. Should I start down this path at all, or continue with the more mainstream religious teachings? And if I should, where and how should I start? Any words of wisdom, guidance, support; any questions or constructive criticisms are all exceedingly welcome.

[raum215]

The first thing i can say, as a Magus of some some 28 years of practice is cultivate a sense of willpower, wonder, and skepticism.

For example, do you read biblical Hebrew or Greek? If not, frankly, you do not know anything it says; but you may decide you do not need to, either. Understand translation is not perfect - and never will be. This is not a path for the impatient. The mysteries of creation are not a past-time. They are a conviction that is not by any means understood by most.

Did you know that there are entire parts of the bible that were written only later to say they are not true, or to conceal a single word. Look at 2 Samuel 20:3, and tell me what you see? Anything at all? There is so much power concealed in there - but so very little of it shines through in english. The very geometry of the first verse was worthy for some to write entire volumes about it.

I fundamentally request people new to magic first look into classical modes of Rhetoric, Grammar, and Logic. They are necessary to understand the Arts of the Magus. Many people will tell you to start with this or that.

I instead offer you a task: Pick five things, actions, or people that are most important to you. Assign one each to your fingers of your right hand. If one of them is not Magick, decide now which of those five you have chosen you are going to replace with Magick. Also, look at what finger that would put it on, and what fingers are next to that one. Otherwise, you are dabbling and it is not going to be of much use. Magick is part of your grip on life, or it weakens the grip you have.

For me:

Thumb: HERITAGE
Index: Writing (intersects Magick - Teaching and Presenting. Takes me away from being my wife's personal teacher, but she has her own endeavors outside of occult research and learning)
Medius: Occult Research (Magick a 37 year old finger that has been flipping the bird to normalcy for 28 years )
Arterial: Marriage (intersects Magick - Oath and Authority - Manifests in my Love for my Wife, who is also a Magician. Writing seperates us a bit, and she gets jealous of my time writing.)
Pinkie: Handcrafts (I love to make things, and use tools)

anything else is momentary or occasional in my life.


Also, drugs, in my humble opinion, profit little to a magician who engages in true communion with the divine - but for some people they are the diving board from which they decide to take the plunge.

As for Science, read Clifford Pickover and Ralph Abraham. I read almost exclusively stuff you will not find in "new age" shops. My study is in the Trivum and the Quadrivium. Chemistry, Geometry, and the like are far more interesting than books one shelf away from self-help.

enjoy your stay. and find out where in your grip on your life, magick is going to be, if you have your way.

[toothache]

I too have been fighting a powerful drug addiction.

Me, as well as recovering addicts i know find alot of solace in buddhism.

Since drug abuse is about overindulgence, pleasure...buddhism is almost the antithesis of drug abuse.
Instead of chasing a high, enjoy the moment.
instead of pining for more, desire is suffering, the world is impermanent.

I cant tell you which path to walk. But i was told once that people who seek drugs nonestop, are the same people who seek the truth with a firey charge.

I see that in your post. Your searching hard for what makes sense. Thats great.

Many people say the truth can found inside. Do you meditate? Its an important aspect of magic, self reliazation. I would start there.

God, the truth, can be found everywhere, in everything. You just have to be silent enough to see.

Good luck and godbless. Lots of smart, kind people on this forum. I dont post much, but spend hours here reading. Youll learn alot.